‘How admitting I disliked a child helped me grow as a social worker’

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These feelings snuck up on me, a slow burner perhaps, but however hard I tried to suppress them, they were real.

Charlie* was a pre-teen living in a residential setting. During our meetings, he would interrupt me, call me a liar and other names and tell me that he didn’t want me there. I felt thoroughly disliked by him. It was painful.

How could I live with myself? A social worker who doesn’t like a child? That wasn’t supposed to happen.”

I was so full of good intentions but dreaded my time with him. Initially, I couldn’t bring myself to tell my supervisor – I was sure she would judge me and question my professional competence.

But I soon realised I needed help. My feelings towards Charlie were starting to affect my decision making.

Understanding the dynamics of our relationship

The first hurdle was admitting my feelings to my supervisor.

Once I had overcome my fear and talked to her, she handled my admission sensitively and professionally.

Exploratory supervision helped me understand that, just because I wanted to build a partnership with Charlie, it didn’t mean that he wanted the same.

He didn’t want a social worker in his life and my efforts to relate and care for him were adding to his feelings of ambivalence and hostility towards me.

My resilience was certainly being tested.

I was leaving every visit feeling hurt, offended and angry.”

And so my supervisor and I started to unpick the power presence in our relationship. I had been left feeling like Charlie held all the power, but in reality, he held very little.

As a child in the care system, he had no choice but to have me involved in his life and had little say in where he was living or in how often he was able to see his family.

Polishing my trauma-sensitive lens

By thinking out loud with my supervisor, I reflected on the importance of understanding the reasons behind his behaviours towards me within the context of the trauma he had experienced.

I came to understand that Charlie’s history of neglect and abuse was a critical factor influencing his actions and I was helped to see him through a trauma-sensitive lens, rather than a lens that was muddied by my own feelings.

He had suffered multiple adverse events in his life which had no doubt impacted his ability to self-regulate and make trusting relationships. This was compounded by the several changes in social workers he had experienced.

With the best intentions, I had attempted – and expected – to get close to him and become a mentor, when he actually needed time to trust me.”

Recognising what my job was

Making sense of how trauma was affecting Charlie helped me take a more strengths-based approach to my work with him.

Instead of concentrating on his deficits and difficulties, I changed my use of language to help him develop his sense of hope and optimism around areas of challenge, like building relationships with other people.

I focused my time with him on praising his strengths, abilities and talents, and less on areas he could improve on.  This immediately seemed to relieve the pressure between us.

I moved from an adult ‘finger wagger’ to his loudest cheerleader.”

Up until then, I had thought that his ‘uncooperativeness’ had been getting in the way of me doing my job.  However, some soul searching on my part reminded me that working with his ‘uncooperativeness’ was my job!

Leaving my professional ego at the door

I continued to use supervision regularly to ensure my work with Charlie was focused on enhancing his development of a positive sense of self.

I continued being strengths-based; using an approach which came from true belief that he already possessed the skills and strength to build relationships and manage his anger.

As a practitioner, I learnt to leave my professional ego at the door. I learnt that people will not always be thankful for my efforts and good intentions and it was naïve and self-serving to think that they would.

Accepting the complexity of relationship-based work

Admitting that I didn’t like Charlie was an important step in building my professional confidence and sense of self.

I learnt that relationship-based social work is not about immediately getting others onside; it is far more complex.

My relationship with Charlie needed to be built with an understanding of his past trauma and the organisational context at play.

As a practitioner, I also needed to work on understanding and managing the emotions and feelings he evoked in me.

As my relationship with Charlie improved, I gained the confidence to view my feelings as signals that needed attention and reflection rather than as failings.

Accepting each other

Supervision became a driving force behind learning and growing in my understanding of both of our responses to each other.

By focusing on the cause of the behaviour, rather than the behaviour itself, Charlie and I built our relationship. He began to accept my involvement more easily.

I don’t think I can go as far as to say he ever looked forward to me visiting or that he liked having a social worker.

But, over time, we came to an unspoken agreement. He was the expert on his own life and experiences. It was my role to facilitate, not fix.

Charlie had just needed help in building the confidence to believe that he was capable of his own personal growth and change.