Are you suggesting that mothers are entirely responsible for their own cortisol levels

Fathers are too often not contacted in asssessments.
Domestic abuse and mothering occurs in a context which connects to wider societal factors.
Poverty, lack of affordable housing, parents being atomosied from support networks, lack of access to adult mental health services and children with neurodevelopmental needs being left for years to be seen, are increasingly a part of this landscape.In the worst instances these complexities are reduced to simple conceptions of “mother’s failure” and “mums chaos”. The person is not even addressed by their name but becomes the blanket term of “mum” Quality assurance is too often driven by tick boxing, blame and hypothesis and narrow conceptions of risk.

I sought help from Social Services when soon after realising I was in a domestically abusive situation.

That turned out to be at least, if not more harmful than the original abuse.

Shortly after, my now ex-husband left suddenly.

I hoped for help to rebuild; what I got was 3 years of continued harrassment, impossible demands, no (useful) help offered and being manouverved out of meetings made about my family.

As a domestic abuse survivor, with a trauma-associated mental health diagnosis, I was defeated at the first hurdle when my children were assigned a male social worker.

To be placed in another situation when another man had power & control over me & my children was horrifying – especially as he appeared dismissive of the admitted & otherwise profesionally-recognised prior abuse which my ex-husband had engaged in; even trying to persuade my children – who were victims themselves – to get back into contact with their abusive father (despite the fact that they had made the decision not to see him, themselves).

I had no choice but to complain, in order to seek somebody I could work with when this relationship broke down.

This backfired worse than I could have imagined.

The local authority ran a pre-legal process (after my complaint was sent); without my knowledge.
A new social worker was assigned eventually; but had no interest in working with my family.
By the time she was involved, the 6 month limit had had almost expired, and the matter went straight to court.

I met the new social worker just ONCE outside of court proceedings, before she stole my youngest children from me.

A total lack of support, the brutality of the way my family was treated and the paralysing effect of previous abuse in the face of similar circumstances meant that I was powerless to stop the onslaught as the apparent ‘help’ eviscerated my family.

6 months later, the ‘new’ social worker washed her hands of my youngest children when her ‘permanence’ plan was unexpectedly finalised in a court date that I was not even told of.

I tried so many avenues for help, tried to complain, tried to get SOMEBODY to listen…. but the voices of myself & all my children were ignored & dismissed repeatedly.

AND evidence from previous professionals re. the domestic abuse we all experienced was conveniently ‘lost’ when it came to the Court process.
This led to me not being able to attend Court at all (due to fear of my abuser – who did turn up); and to the Court approving a plan for the children to be encouraged to re-start contact with him.

My family is atomised.
My children are all miserable & struggling – the relationships with eachother are damaged & strained.

I have no hope left, no fight left & STILL I cannot find help. I have wanted to be dead every day for the last 8 months.

The situation I am now in is so convoluted & confusing that nobody wants to touch it with a bargepole. I have no idea how to try & reassemble myself, or my family… or how to help my children reassemble their lives.

My life has been rendered truly unliveable by the brutal & unwarranted intervention of social workers.
They destroyed what I was trying to rebuild.
My future is utterly hopeless; my children aren’t much better if at all. A slow & painful spiral downward is all I have to look forward to, now.

And the worst of it is?
Apart from not meeting my abusive ex-husband in the first place, there is absolutely NOTHING I was able to do to avoid this outcome.

I understand now that my hope of a better future was always an illusion. I never did have a chance in the first place.

It didn’t have to be that way.

A due to a catalogue of errors & refusal to follow even basic guidance & procedure by Social workers has caused catastrophic harm to my family – the effects of which will last lifetimes.

Yes, I’m sure I can ‘complain’.
But I’ve been literally ignored so many times that I have no idea how to do so effectively any more.
Any I’m so exhausted by trying to survive my present circumstances now, that I have nothing left with which to fight any longer.

I’m stuck, increasingly powerless, increasingly depressed, anxious and hopeless with NO WAY to change my situation positively (or that of my children).

I only wanted to be safe, for my children to be safe.
And social workers ensured that ‘safe’ was something none of us ever will be again.

As a child in services becoming a mother while under services. My pregnancy stress came from social workers constantly threatening me with removal of my child if I did not participate in all of thier demands this was 16+ care leaver care who told me they had these powers and I believed them. This was weekly and done very harshly. Just constant threats that made me want to flee but I couldn’t and wouldn’t but I was terrified. Under 19 myself! There was no dv. No drug use and I was attending work and college which they forced me to quit (physically called up and quit for me) and forced me into multiple groups and activities a week which I had to do on no money and no transport. They said I was not putting my children first trying to work. I was also on crutches and suffering hyperemisis gravadium and synthesis pubis dysfunction. Therefore any pregnancy stress I had was a direct result of thier actions and parent blame and forcing me into every demand they created. The wrote me up as having the toxic trio without evidence or proof which is now classed as fact. My children have now got autism and adhd diagnosis and wrote as having attachment and trauma which was blocked for years and now which has been blamed on me via pregnancy and my inconsistant parenting because my social history which was fabricated.

I am so sorry for your experience, professionals must make much more effort to understand the experience and life experience of families and there is no place for racist stereo typing with parents. i hope things are now better.

Even the suddenly single father whose partner hadn’t been able to engage with their baby (he went on to face all sorts of other sexist issues over the next few years that single mums in the same position may not have faced) and same sex male couples weren’t taken account of in this planning.

My complaint was upheld and the sessions went on to include dads, but I’m still so angry when I think about it, because of the issues discussed in this article and below.

Professor Brid Featherstone